How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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