I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i believe in u and ur pee
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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