It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Where is the hickey?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
