So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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