soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
