Apparently you make a good broom.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
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My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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