I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Let's get the cat blown out
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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