If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
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He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
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I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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