Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
