i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
