why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
