I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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