So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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