Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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