I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
