bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
