You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
