Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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