and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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