the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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