I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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