i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
