do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
