Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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