..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
