i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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