He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
