Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
