He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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