I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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