she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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