So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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