my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
