Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
