I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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