I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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