Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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