The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
