If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
