why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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