The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
