Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Randomize
