mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
