He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
