I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
