shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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