i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
