i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
