1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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