Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
