beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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