Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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