She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
