I accidentally had phone sex last night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
