Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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